Both Side Now- Revisited

Janis Joplin's song clearly captures how I've been feeling these past days. I don't know if it's the heatwave that got me into such a highly emotional state, being stuck indoors (for fear of sun poisoning), or just because I found myself caught in the middle of lifelines intersecting.

My mom has been visiting me and my family since June for my children's graduations- one from high school, and another from preschool playgroup. Since then, we were all silently watching each other's lives... my mom, my children, and I. 

My "payslips"

The Graduates!

I have been that almost-five year old, eager to set my first independent footprint out the door. To take that ride to school, to choose my new stuff, learn new things, meet new people, go to new places- ALL BY MYSELF! I am now that mom who strategically makes "adventures and games" out of this new stuff, to earn "treats and prizes" when my child accomplishes them- all by himself. I knew how to do these, because this was how my mother and I were, 34 years ago.

with Andrew, 2008

with Andrew, 2013

I have also been that 18 years old, about to embark on a new journey of independence and discovery. I knew it all, I could do it all, I needed no help at all! I know my strengths and I know how to use them in my world. I've also felt that my parents always made me feel they ALWAYS think they know better. How I've wished for the day they would get off my back and let me be. I am now the mom who, poker-faced, says to her child: "I'm only here to guide you." while listening to her child say: "this is what I want to do... you don't understand me... you always think you're right!" The same mom who cries in the shower when everyone's asleep, or while driving back from an early morning yoga session. I learned this inner strength because I've never seen my mom cry in desperation or frustration from all the bullsh*t I've given her through the years. Even when I was throwing my future away, all I heard was: It's your decision, I'm here to support you.

with Mig, 1995

with Mig, 2013

Earlier today, my mom went back to California. I came back to a house and felt so alone. I felt everyone's leaving me. My older son, who's currently on vacation in Texas, will soon be off to college. My younger one will be in full-day Kindergarten. My husband will be all day at the office (but that's his usual). I, on the other hand, will stay home as what I have been doing for the past year, and a lot more years before that save for some short stints in teaching- which is, by the way, my profession. But I have been a mother for 19 out of my 38 years. It is what I am for literally HALF of my life. So, I believe it is what I do, and presumptuous as it may sound, I believe I'm doing the best I can, considering what life has thrown at me.

empty room... so sad. :(

They say that being a parent, your report card is how well your children grow up to be. If growing up means learning life lessons well, and making you a better person in the process, Papa & Mama... I'm growing up very well.

I have seen the child I was, and the mother I am, from the mother I have. I see the pain, the hurt, the joy. Honestly, I don't know how to deal with it. I just hope I live to enjoy the days where I get to observe my children's children. And by then, I truly hope that my children would cope better than how I'm doing right now.