Notes from the COVID-19 Battlefield

I am infected with COVID-19.
No, I don't have the virus that physically attacks my body, but I suffer from its effects. I am scared, confused, and helpless to deal with the uncertainty.

I made the tough decision to make a compromise in my career, putting it on pause (yet again) because there is no viable system that would guarantee my young middle-schooler child's safety. I'm an early educator. Some call us daycare workers, but I'll fight till the end to be given that educator title. I have two degrees to back that up and more than two decades of experience to boot. But that's another war I'm waging and another story to tell. So, I am a teacher. Proud to be and worked many years to achieve what I have and to be where I'm at in this field. I rose to the ranks by pure effort.


But, as much as I'm dedicated to my profession. I am a mom. That's my ultimate job. I find it hypocritical to pursue taking care of others' children when I can't ensure the safety and well-being of my own. If he stays home alone on remote learning from 8 am to 5 pm while we work, how sure am I that there are no predators that might stalk and harm him, knowing he's vulnerable? Or that he will not feel like we've left him for our own pursuits? If the schools open up, how safe is he from the unseen enemy? Can he really feel like he makes stable connections without the usual interactions he's known with his friends and teachers? Will that make him feel more isolated and alone?

Of course, we've talked at length and often about these possible scenarios with our son and all the safety guidelines we can implement. He puts on a brave face and voice and tells us he will do his best on whatever plan we'll take. He frequently comes crawling into bed late at night with us, asks to be held, and says, "I'm scared, mommy"!

COVID has got me, like so many other families, infected with fear and uncertainty. We are at war, and all of us will come out of this with some form of trauma. In these times, there's only so much we can do. Set your priorities, bear down, and hold on to your faith and beliefs. Survive however way you can.

Good luck, and hold on!

25 Things

Found this buried under the NOTES section on Facebook. Originally written February 13, 2009. Play along!

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. In the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I have a litany before going out of the house: watch, wallet, cellphone, keys... The things I can't live without...

2. When I'm in deep thought, I tend to bite my fingers. Not nails.

3. I cannot consider white chocolate as chocolate; it has to be brown, dark, and creamy.

4. I enjoy the laments of authentic country music.

5. I love having picnics in a park.

6. I could stay in a bookstore all day without getting tired or bored. Some people shop, I read!

7. My children mean the most t me.

8. I try to be friends with all my ex-es.

9. I can relate to the Tin Man from Oz, Edward Scissorhands, and Andrew the Bicentennial Man. Can you tell me what is the common denominator here? ;-)

10. I can scare myself by staring at myself long enough in the mirror.

11. I miss the SLU BEEd class of 2006 terribly.

12. I need to have the last word! Hahaha...

13. My husband and I never fight, but we do argue.

14. Glenn made one of my life wishes come true: he brought me to Mr. Robert Fulghum's book signing in Boston.

15. I tend to make my resolutions on Easter rather than New Year's.

16. I love celebrations- I celebrate anything from Rosh Hashanah to the Chinese Moon Festival.

17. In 1st or 2nd grade, I wanted to become a nun.

18. My favorite part of the house is the kitchen.

19. As I take my breakfast, and while I'm making dinner, the TV has to be on the news channel.

20. I have winter Seasonal Affective Disorder.

21. I have sun-poisoning/ light sensitivity.

22. I believe I have a long tolerance threshold. But when I get angry, there's no turning back.

23. At some point in my life, I experimented with being gay. And at some points, I was with gay men. No regrets...

24. I collect paper- journals, notepads, scrapbook pages but I keep them blank.

24. I love to take things apart to see how they work.

25. I do not believe in love at first sight.

Both Side Now- Revisited

Janis Joplin's song clearly captures how I've been feeling these past days. I don't know if it's the heatwave that got me into such a highly emotional state, being stuck indoors (for fear of sun poisoning), or just because I found myself caught in the middle of lifelines intersecting.

My mom has been visiting me and my family since June for my children's graduations- one from high school, and another from preschool playgroup. Since then, we were all silently watching each other's lives... my mom, my children, and I. 

My "payslips"

The Graduates!

I have been that almost-five year old, eager to set my first independent footprint out the door. To take that ride to school, to choose my new stuff, learn new things, meet new people, go to new places- ALL BY MYSELF! I am now that mom who strategically makes "adventures and games" out of this new stuff, to earn "treats and prizes" when my child accomplishes them- all by himself. I knew how to do these, because this was how my mother and I were, 34 years ago.

with Andrew, 2008

with Andrew, 2013

I have also been that 18 years old, about to embark on a new journey of independence and discovery. I knew it all, I could do it all, I needed no help at all! I know my strengths and I know how to use them in my world. I've also felt that my parents always made me feel they ALWAYS think they know better. How I've wished for the day they would get off my back and let me be. I am now the mom who, poker-faced, says to her child: "I'm only here to guide you." while listening to her child say: "this is what I want to do... you don't understand me... you always think you're right!" The same mom who cries in the shower when everyone's asleep, or while driving back from an early morning yoga session. I learned this inner strength because I've never seen my mom cry in desperation or frustration from all the bullsh*t I've given her through the years. Even when I was throwing my future away, all I heard was: It's your decision, I'm here to support you.

with Mig, 1995

with Mig, 2013

Earlier today, my mom went back to California. I came back to a house and felt so alone. I felt everyone's leaving me. My older son, who's currently on vacation in Texas, will soon be off to college. My younger one will be in full-day Kindergarten. My husband will be all day at the office (but that's his usual). I, on the other hand, will stay home as what I have been doing for the past year, and a lot more years before that save for some short stints in teaching- which is, by the way, my profession. But I have been a mother for 19 out of my 38 years. It is what I am for literally HALF of my life. So, I believe it is what I do, and presumptuous as it may sound, I believe I'm doing the best I can, considering what life has thrown at me.

empty room... so sad. :(

They say that being a parent, your report card is how well your children grow up to be. If growing up means learning life lessons well, and making you a better person in the process, Papa & Mama... I'm growing up very well.

I have seen the child I was, and the mother I am, from the mother I have. I see the pain, the hurt, the joy. Honestly, I don't know how to deal with it. I just hope I live to enjoy the days where I get to observe my children's children. And by then, I truly hope that my children would cope better than how I'm doing right now.

A Requiem of Sorts

It's funny how a simple occurrence in life could make you think of the waaaayyy bigger picture...

Last night, my cellphone died on me. It wasn't the latest, cutting-edge thing out there. It wasn't even brand-new when I had it. The phone was salvaged from my technically-challenged sister, who left it in the glove compartment of her car on a stifling California summer day. So, the display was broken. She called me about it, and I said it could be replaced easily at Greenhills. Since someone was going home then, she sent it to the Philippines to be fixed. It turns out it was more expensive to repair it there than the cost of the phone. So she had it sent back to Cali with our parents' luggage when they came over. Then I had her ship it to me.

I was the one who set it up when my sister first bought it. Did all the updates, backups, and syncs needed so that my sister would have it ready to go when she finally had her hands on it. When I moved to the East, I told her she could give it to me when she was through with the phone. She did... broken and all! So I looked at it and saw its potential. I ordered the new LCD, battery, sync, and charge cables. When they arrived, I put it up to date with the latest firmware, software, and apps. Even got myself some Bejeweled 2 to the delight of hubby and son. It was working just fine!

When my youngest decided it would make a good chewy toy, it endured. When I left it with the ice cream in my shopping cart, it still persevered. We even brought it to camp out in the mountains, and with it, I was able to update my Facebook account. For no apparent reason, I woke up yesterday and found a backlighted, no image screen. I thought," oh, no biggie." Just re-seat the connections, and it'll be fine. But it wasn't...

I re-assembled, re-seated, re-set, and re-cleaned every possible thing on that phone till 1130pm, stopping just to eat quickly, vent off, and do some chores. But every attempt was unsuccessful. Hubby said it might have reached the end of its functionality; after all, it had heavy damage already. I felt so bad that I almost cried and was tempted (more than once) to throw the phone till it shattered to pieces. Older son took it away from me before I did any more damage. He said it's not worth my anger. (They do know how I am when angry. You don't like me when I'm angry!)

We had to drive somewhere in the middle of my failed attempts, and I realized why I loved the phone. It was somehow like me. I had my share of damage and brokenness. But the Lord didn't give up on me. I had a reset and re-formatted faith (OS) and updated values (firmware). I acquired new practices (apps) and principles (software). I even had my new sense of fun- to the delight of my hubby and sons.

But sometimes things break, and people die. So today, I accepted that that's just how far my phone could go. And someday, I'll die. But between that and now, I will hold on and persevere. Through heat and cold, highs and lows, raises and falls...

As for the phone... Well, my hubby says a 3G S might be on the way if I'm good. :-)