Philomath

Perhaps it's my being an introvert. Maybe it's because I'm the youngest of six. Or perhaps it's because I spent my childhood in semi-isolation. Whatever it is, I've always had the need to know. To learn what makes things work, or what a word means, or how this or that is done. Or what process goes behind a product, or why someone has this set of opinions. I've always, ALWAYS enjoyed learning. If I don't get my answers from asking (and boy, did I irritate a lot of people because of the asking!), reading a book, watching workers doing their thing, I take things apart. I've been known to take things apart and not put them back right.

Anyway, that love of learning goes hand in hand with my passion for communicating and connecting. I feel someone's always got a story to tell, something I don't know yet. Now, this sounds all ideal and amazing, but it's not. Some people want to keep their opinions and thoughts to themselves. Some people want to protect trade secrets, or recipes, or formulas. Some people will engage with you to pull you into their own thinking. And the scariest of all- some people entice you into their ideologies for their personal gains. Why do I know? Because I've learned, for better or worse, that the best teacher is experience. I've been shut out, kept in the dark, twirled around, and made a pawn. Once or twice and over again.

Knowledge, learning, and wisdom are like Pokemon evolutions. They build and add on more profound meanings. To change or evolve means there's an action applied to it. You go and train and battle it out. Have you seen a Pokemon battle? They're intense. They fall, get hurt, get soaked, put through flames, frozen in ice, or blasted by force. Then they learn how to avoid getting hurt and use whatever attacks were proven effective. I approach learning the same way. That's me; I'm a Pokemon. A rare one!

Notice I didn't focus on wisdom. According to several dictionaries, wisdom is "knowledge of what is true and right,"; "of making sensible judgments." I'm not there yet. I make sound judgments with a lot of luck and supernatural guidance. It's not something that comes naturally just yet. And I, for one, love the process of making assumptions, failing, retrying, and redefining success when it doesn't line up with the grand plan.

It's manthanein, not soph.

25 Things

Found this buried under the NOTES section on Facebook. Originally written February 13, 2009. Play along!

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. In the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

1. I have a litany before going out of the house: watch, wallet, cellphone, keys... The things I can't live without...

2. When I'm in deep thought, I tend to bite my fingers. Not nails.

3. I cannot consider white chocolate as chocolate; it has to be brown, dark, and creamy.

4. I enjoy the laments of authentic country music.

5. I love having picnics in a park.

6. I could stay in a bookstore all day without getting tired or bored. Some people shop, I read!

7. My children mean the most t me.

8. I try to be friends with all my ex-es.

9. I can relate to the Tin Man from Oz, Edward Scissorhands, and Andrew the Bicentennial Man. Can you tell me what is the common denominator here? ;-)

10. I can scare myself by staring at myself long enough in the mirror.

11. I miss the SLU BEEd class of 2006 terribly.

12. I need to have the last word! Hahaha...

13. My husband and I never fight, but we do argue.

14. Glenn made one of my life wishes come true: he brought me to Mr. Robert Fulghum's book signing in Boston.

15. I tend to make my resolutions on Easter rather than New Year's.

16. I love celebrations- I celebrate anything from Rosh Hashanah to the Chinese Moon Festival.

17. In 1st or 2nd grade, I wanted to become a nun.

18. My favorite part of the house is the kitchen.

19. As I take my breakfast, and while I'm making dinner, the TV has to be on the news channel.

20. I have winter Seasonal Affective Disorder.

21. I have sun-poisoning/ light sensitivity.

22. I believe I have a long tolerance threshold. But when I get angry, there's no turning back.

23. At some point in my life, I experimented with being gay. And at some points, I was with gay men. No regrets...

24. I collect paper- journals, notepads, scrapbook pages but I keep them blank.

24. I love to take things apart to see how they work.

25. I do not believe in love at first sight.

Both Side Now- Revisited

Janis Joplin's song clearly captures how I've been feeling these past days. I don't know if it's the heatwave that got me into such a highly emotional state, being stuck indoors (for fear of sun poisoning), or just because I found myself caught in the middle of lifelines intersecting.

My mom has been visiting me and my family since June for my children's graduations- one from high school, and another from preschool playgroup. Since then, we were all silently watching each other's lives... my mom, my children, and I. 

My "payslips"

The Graduates!

I have been that almost-five year old, eager to set my first independent footprint out the door. To take that ride to school, to choose my new stuff, learn new things, meet new people, go to new places- ALL BY MYSELF! I am now that mom who strategically makes "adventures and games" out of this new stuff, to earn "treats and prizes" when my child accomplishes them- all by himself. I knew how to do these, because this was how my mother and I were, 34 years ago.

with Andrew, 2008

with Andrew, 2013

I have also been that 18 years old, about to embark on a new journey of independence and discovery. I knew it all, I could do it all, I needed no help at all! I know my strengths and I know how to use them in my world. I've also felt that my parents always made me feel they ALWAYS think they know better. How I've wished for the day they would get off my back and let me be. I am now the mom who, poker-faced, says to her child: "I'm only here to guide you." while listening to her child say: "this is what I want to do... you don't understand me... you always think you're right!" The same mom who cries in the shower when everyone's asleep, or while driving back from an early morning yoga session. I learned this inner strength because I've never seen my mom cry in desperation or frustration from all the bullsh*t I've given her through the years. Even when I was throwing my future away, all I heard was: It's your decision, I'm here to support you.

with Mig, 1995

with Mig, 2013

Earlier today, my mom went back to California. I came back to a house and felt so alone. I felt everyone's leaving me. My older son, who's currently on vacation in Texas, will soon be off to college. My younger one will be in full-day Kindergarten. My husband will be all day at the office (but that's his usual). I, on the other hand, will stay home as what I have been doing for the past year, and a lot more years before that save for some short stints in teaching- which is, by the way, my profession. But I have been a mother for 19 out of my 38 years. It is what I am for literally HALF of my life. So, I believe it is what I do, and presumptuous as it may sound, I believe I'm doing the best I can, considering what life has thrown at me.

empty room... so sad. :(

They say that being a parent, your report card is how well your children grow up to be. If growing up means learning life lessons well, and making you a better person in the process, Papa & Mama... I'm growing up very well.

I have seen the child I was, and the mother I am, from the mother I have. I see the pain, the hurt, the joy. Honestly, I don't know how to deal with it. I just hope I live to enjoy the days where I get to observe my children's children. And by then, I truly hope that my children would cope better than how I'm doing right now.